The clouds before the silver lining

I really wish I had a diary, but, I guess an online one will do. Wednesday July 27th (this past wednesday) marked the third anniversary of the worst thing that has happened to me thus far. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I found that day. I was so shocked I don't really think it set in until two days later  when I filed for divorce and a restraining order. At that point, it hit me all at once. I think it was the first and only time I ever considered suicide. Looking back, three years later, I should have seen the signs of a monster in the making. But, alas, I was too bling to see what was happening before my very eyes. I never thought in a million years he would have done what he did. I still blame myself each and every day because, I still wonder why didn';t I hear anything? Why did I sleep so hard? Why did I react the way I did? It still weighs heavily on my heart that I didn't wake up to save her. And that I, in a fit of rage, called her a slut. I mean what the hell was wrong with me? I know I have apologize over and over but, I just can;t top feeling guilty over it. I only just found them in the knick of time before he could do much worse. And I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry I didn't help more! I sat by for months and watched his downward spiral, but I did nothing to stop it. Why in God's name did I marry that sick fuck? Why? I was so stupid and determined to defy those who doubted him that I created a whole shit storm of problems! There are two little things I dont regret and that is our children. There are many things I do regret though. I don't think I have ever fully recovered from it. There was a period during and after my pregnancy with Xoey that I was completely numb and emotionless. It was the only thing that kept me sane and kept me going. People think that if I had the chance to make things work with him again that I would. They are more wrong than ever. Because everyday I wonder, what if he did that to one of my babies? He'd be a dead man. Period. To this day he feels he did nothing wrong. That's bullshit. He knew full well of the repercussions. He knew he was married and his wife and kids are in the house. He knew full well she was underage. He knew what he did was wrong. He's stupid, but not that stupid. I wish he could feel the pain I do everyday. I wish he carried the burden of memories. I wish he carried the burden of explaining to his son and daughter why he was out of their life for so long. I wish he knew the hatred that I feel in my heart for him. I wish. I wish. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for shattering my life into a thousand pieces. I hate him because my parents and sister hate me because of it.I just want to finally be at peace with this. But, I don't think I will ever get that. I will carry the burden of his sick and twisted mind for the rest of my life until I finally explode.