I really fucking hate my life

Ok so I live at my parents house with count them, my mom, my dad, every one of my siblings, and all of my children. I am the only one who attempts to clean the house. I am the one who cooks most of the time. No one EVER, EVER tries to help me clean. I also have a very demanding job as well which I'm the only one in the house who has a job. I never get any help and every one of the people I live with are the laziest people I've ever met. But the kicker is everyone wants a handout. Every time I get paid I get monied to death. The Only two people that dont ask me for money is my brother and my dad. I am now broke because i not only had to pay for my daughters school clothes by myself but Ive been having to give money out left and right. I am so tired of having to give away my hard earned money to people who dont deserve it. I need a break and I need one now. I cant take it anymore!

Being a baby mama is like a badge of honor

Tell my why Brady cant be in my daughters life? Is she not as good as his son? Is it because he thinks she was a mistake?? Sorry to tell you, you inconceivable prick but Olivia is not a mistake and she is worth having in my life. Do you feel that way? I bet not because you see you havent been there for her in her whole six years on this planet. You sat by and let another man be called daddy. And let said man take care of your responsibility. He deserves payment just like Olivia does. You got out of prison and what did you do? You rushed into a relationship and got married and had another kid which, we both know if anything happens to your marriage you wont be there for him either. What is your damn problem? What I was good enough to fuck and give a kid now im trash and so is the kid? I dont think so you little prick of misery. I try my hardest to be civil with you but you just keep pushing me and pushing me. Im fed up with deadbeat mother fuckers like you who cant own up to the original responsibility. I didnt ask for this and neither did Olivia but if I remember correctly you are the one who asked for it. I didnt want to get pregnant while I was in college. I wasnt ready to be a parent. The least you could have done was shoulder some of the responsibility but you didnt. You threw me head first into parenthood. I dont regret my daughter she is the best thing i ever did and i hope someday that you can think so too. I would kill somebody for her, I would die for her, I would do anything in my power to give her what I never had. Would you? I bet not. I have given every ounce of my being to taking care of her. You havent so why dont you step up or step aside and let somebody else do it.

The clouds before the silver lining

I really wish I had a diary, but, I guess an online one will do. Wednesday July 27th (this past wednesday) marked the third anniversary of the worst thing that has happened to me thus far. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I found that day. I was so shocked I don't really think it set in until two days later  when I filed for divorce and a restraining order. At that point, it hit me all at once. I think it was the first and only time I ever considered suicide. Looking back, three years later, I should have seen the signs of a monster in the making. But, alas, I was too bling to see what was happening before my very eyes. I never thought in a million years he would have done what he did. I still blame myself each and every day because, I still wonder why didn';t I hear anything? Why did I sleep so hard? Why did I react the way I did? It still weighs heavily on my heart that I didn't wake up to save her. And that I, in a fit of rage, called her a slut. I mean what the hell was wrong with me? I know I have apologize over and over but, I just can;t top feeling guilty over it. I only just found them in the knick of time before he could do much worse. And I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry I didn't help more! I sat by for months and watched his downward spiral, but I did nothing to stop it. Why in God's name did I marry that sick fuck? Why? I was so stupid and determined to defy those who doubted him that I created a whole shit storm of problems! There are two little things I dont regret and that is our children. There are many things I do regret though. I don't think I have ever fully recovered from it. There was a period during and after my pregnancy with Xoey that I was completely numb and emotionless. It was the only thing that kept me sane and kept me going. People think that if I had the chance to make things work with him again that I would. They are more wrong than ever. Because everyday I wonder, what if he did that to one of my babies? He'd be a dead man. Period. To this day he feels he did nothing wrong. That's bullshit. He knew full well of the repercussions. He knew he was married and his wife and kids are in the house. He knew full well she was underage. He knew what he did was wrong. He's stupid, but not that stupid. I wish he could feel the pain I do everyday. I wish he carried the burden of memories. I wish he carried the burden of explaining to his son and daughter why he was out of their life for so long. I wish he knew the hatred that I feel in my heart for him. I wish. I wish. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for shattering my life into a thousand pieces. I hate him because my parents and sister hate me because of it.I just want to finally be at peace with this. But, I don't think I will ever get that. I will carry the burden of his sick and twisted mind for the rest of my life until I finally explode.